Sunday, June 18, 2006

About Last Night

Tyler: But they’re engaged…

Chris!: Doesn’t matter. It can’t happen.

Tyler: Why not? It’s bound to come up.

Chris!: It's impossible, Loxy could never have Fernando's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

Tyler: Sure, why not?

Chris!: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Loxy gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Grabia has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way Fernando could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

Last night, my girlfriends and I headed dowtown to Overtime for some postgame drinks. We were high on life after the Oilers tremendous 4-0 victory over the Canes. All of us are major Oilers fans. We really like the colour of their uniforms, and all the money they make. I have been an Oiler fan since 1980, when I gave Blair MacDonald a handjob in the bathroom at Teddy's. I think it was Blair MacDonald, anyways. It could have been Ron Duguay. I don't know. I was coked-out back then, so the memories are hazy. We had slutted ourselves up to go out, and were looking hot. I thought I looked particularly smokin' in my black leather jacket, black cowl neck dress, and gold pumps. Anyways, we were having some laughs, talking about the Gilmore Girls (we are divided over who is the bigger skank, Paris or Michel) and drinking Appletinis. All of a sudden, this really cute guy and a couple of his buddies came over to our table. I knew he was cute because he had a really bushy, unkempt beard. That meant he was a hockey player, and that meant he was to die for.

He introduced himself as "Fernando." I played coy, but I knew who he was. I find that it works best to pretend like you don't know the boys. I started that the night I gangbanged Shayne Corson and Louie DeBrusk, and it's never let me down. The guys with him were named Carmine and Anthony. They looked like they had graduated from Archbishop O’Leary, and I wanted nothing to do with them. Thankfully, my girlfriends were good wingmen, and distracted them enough that Fernando and I could spend some quality time talking to each other. He was totally in to me. He kept staring at my breasts, and one hand was always placed on the small of my back. Thank you black cowl neck dress!.

I don't want to get into too many details, but let's just say that Fernando and I quickly left Overtime, and had a wonderful night together. He left my house after a few hours, as he had to catch the charter plane to the place where the Hurricanes play. But he asked me for my number, and I'm positive he is going to call me when he gets back. He better, because I am pretty sure I am having Fernando Pisani's baby.

Actually, I am 100% sure I am having his baby. You see, I wasn't pregnant 24 hours ago, but I am now. How do I know? Well, my belly grew out about 4 sizes in that time. Below is a picture of me before we went out last night.

Now here is a picture of me today.

See what I'm saying? I am pregnant, and it has to be Fernando's baby. No one else could have sperm that could create such an accelerated pregnancy. I have decided to name our baby 34, in honour of Fernando and my ex-lover David Ortiz. But let's keep quiet about Big Papi, okay? I don't want Fernando getting jealous. Oh! Before I forget, here are a couple more pictures.

I was reading one of those pregnancy guides in Chapters today, and it said that listening to music while in the womb was really good for the baby. So 34 and I spent some time today relaxing to the classics: "TNT," "Pump It," "Song 2," "The Hockey Song," and of course "Zombie Nation."

A sideshot of 34. He is kicking alot already. I like to think of him as talking slapshots. His dad will be so proud!


At 10:54 PM, Blogger Avi Schaumberg said...

Possibly the most disturbing visuals ever to accompany a SportsMatters post.

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Nathan Muhly said...


At 11:12 PM, Blogger theDrizzler said...

Since Fernando is my cousin... will that make us family? I hope so. Think about how fun the reunions will be.

I'm so happy for the both of you.

At 12:02 AM, Blogger andy grabia said...

The problem is that Fernando and I are cousins, too. But like, second cousins once removed. That's cool, right?

I am a little upset that a picture of my pregnant belly is more disturbing than the thought of Blair MacDonald getting a handjob at Teddy's, Avi.

At 1:34 AM, Blogger Loxy said...

Good thing I was thinking ahead and lined my uterus with titanium plates!

At 5:34 AM, Blogger andy grabia said...

You get enough hits for "hockey idiot savant," and "masturbate pictures Billy Beane," Tyler. You can afford to lose the thousands who flock to your site in hopes of seeing highly pixelated images of my groin.

At 7:49 AM, Blogger Black Dog said...

So beautiful in its beauty.

Or did I mean awful in its awfulness?


At 4:59 PM, Blogger Avi Schaumberg said...

I've long ago stopped being disturbed by stories that have the word "Teddy's" in them. It is, in its way, an Edmonton institution.


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