Sunday, November 13, 2005

SportsMatters Classic: 2nd Annual Madden Weekend Pt. II

Saturday August 13, 2005
12:41 p.m.

I have been up since 12:10 p.m., wanting to go pee. Kimmis has been in the shower since 12:10, and I just can’t take it any more. My bladder is about to burst.

Saturday August 13, 2005
1:03 p.m.

Kevin has just left to get some breakfast sandwiches for us, before we begin the day. I thought I might jot down a few words while he was away. Kevin told me before he left that he was going to attempt to be happy today, instead of acting like his dog just died all the time. This is a good thing. Being here with just the two of us, without Alex, is a whole new Madden paradigm. An individual can really wreck the weekend if he is angry all the time. Or at least, angry and no fun. Abboud is always angry when we play, but at least he is funny angry. Like Ben Stiller with a joystick.

Isn’t it ironic, the name “joystick”? I am sure Kevin would think so.

I woke up laughing this morning, and here is why: the name Shel Picklestein was in my head. Not so funny, I know. But for some reason I woke up thinking that was the cleverest, most hilarious name of all time. I don’t even know what it means. J.K. Rowling has Harry Potter walk into her head. Me? Picklestein. Must be some gin residue from last night. Although it is amusing to imagine some rapscallion causing havoc in a 80’s high school movie and hearing one of his teachers shout in solitary, bitter frustration, his voice hitting a higher note with every syllable, “PICKLESTEIN!!!”

I did throw on my Donovan McNabb jersey today, in an attempt to get a psychological advantage over Kimmis. This jersey drives him mad.

Saturday August 13, 2005
1:34 p.m.

I have a pinched nerve in my shoulder. I am still a probable starter, but I will likely have to pull a Steve McNair all day and just play through the pain. I wish we had a massage table and a Jacuzzi in this place.

Saturday August 13, 2005
2:53 p.m.

Kimmis has just destroyed me, making it three losses in a row for me. My Eagles are now 2-2 on the season. Kimmis scored on almost every single drive during the game. No wonder, with Peyton Manning Face, Deuce McAllister, Joe Horn, Chad Johnson and Tony Gonzalez on your offence. I couldn’t stop him. It was a train wreck. I now know what it felt like to be Dick Vermeil in the 2003 AFC Divisional Playoff game between the Chiefs and the Colts. I would rather know what it feels like to be Rodney Harrison after I have picked off Peyton Manning Face for the eighth time, but such is life.

My controller is doing some weird shit. It is throwing the ball out of bounds when I am attempting to throw downfield, and doing these juke moves with my QB when I attempting to throw. This is the third controller I have had to use this weekend. Kimmis’ is fine, of course. I smell sabotage.

Great. My next game against Kimmis is with the Chargers. Joey Harrington at QB. Is this guy out to destroy me or what? I think it is because he looks like a guy that I loathe. I wonder if he is going to provide me with “a little bit of a history lesson”?

A little inside, I know. Goulet!

The Chargers have the 31st ranked offence in the NFL. So much for being the Super Chargers. Plus they play a 3-4 defence, which I hate. That is the third 3-4 defence I have had to use so far this season. I am seriously starting to wonder if the world is out to destroy me.

Saturday August 13, 2005
3:24 p.m.

My controller IS fucked! I knew it! I knew I wasn’t insane. My quarterback kept doing weird shit because my left trigger button was getting stuck. I am totally pissed because I was beating Kimmis in the third quarter too. It was 20-14. The reason it was 20-14 is that my controller gave me a punt play for an extra point when I specifically picked the FG/Point After play. Fuck. No wonder I haven’t been able to pass the ball.

We tried to save the game in the third quarter so that Kevin could go get new controllers, but “somehow” it didn’t work. Convenient, for Kevin, as I was beating his ass. I am so mad right now. I have no idea how we are going to replay this game so that I can have a lead in the third quarter. And this throws into question the last game we played. The controller was doing weird shit then, too. GAH!

Major Madden scandal, here. What possible sports analogy is comparable to this? 1919? No. It has got to be steroids. Kevin has been playing with a major advantage over me for the past two games, if not more. Who knows how far back his juiced controller habit goes? I have just unearthed a major crime ring here, people. Can I ever trust Kevin again? Sure, he is going to get new controllers. Now. Awfully convenient way to seem fair and equitable, isn’t it, especially after I have busted his sordid little secret? Do I have to start carrying my own controller around with me, in a protective case, just to prevent any further tampering with my video game activity? What kind of sick world is it where a man can’t trust that another man won’t fiddle around with his stick? Is nothing sacred!?!?

***Note*** Kimmis successfully pulled off a flea flicker on me during this game. For a touchdown, no less. That is some cold shit. In light of this recent controversy, it is comparable to a firm kick in the nuts while a man is down. He doesn’t know it, but I am storing that one in the memory bank, He is going to fucking pay. I may actually perform a real molaram on him, ripping his beating heart out of his chest and showing it to him.

Saturday August 13, 2005
3:52 p.m.

Kimmis is back, with two new controllers and a stress ball. I have verified that the controllers have not been tampered with. I made sure they were sealed. Unless that fucker has some sort of scam going with Xbox or Futureshop or something. I mean, how the hell do I know anymore? I feel like King Lear, wandering around in the storm. I am definitely a man more sinned against than sinning.

Kimmis just suggested that we simulate the Steelers-Chargers game. Can you believe that shit? Fuck that. I was beating him 20-14, no 21-14, with two minutes left in the third quarter. We are recreating this game and just letting me get the lead. That is how this shit is gonna go down. Simulate. Are you fucking kidding me? And what happens if he wins?

Saturday August 13, 2005
3:58 p.m.

Reverse! Motherfucker. He just pulled a reverse on me. I can’t believe it.

Saturday August 13, 2005
5:30 p.m.

In the replayed Chargers-Steelers game, I beat Kevin 24-17. Basically, we played a normal game, with the idea that by the end of the third quarter I would be up by seven points. If I was really far ahead, I would let Kev catch up. If he was ahead, he would let me catch up and pass him. The latter happened, and I can tell Kev was nonplussed about it. He was up 17-0 by the second quarter, and had to let me score twenty-four straight points. Then I held on for the victory. The loss put Kevin at 1-3 on the season.

I am 3-2 after defeating the hated Cowboys. My defence has been good again, but I am noticing that I am throwing too many interceptions. I need to cut that junk out. I did win this last game on a beautiful play. I was running at Dallas’ QB with Jevon Kearse and another player. Kimmis went to throw the ball, and it bounced off of the one attacker’s head right into the arms of Kearse. Awesome. Kimmis was purple in rage. The best part is that the pick happened on about Kevin’s ten yard line, with a couple minutes left in the fourth quarter. I scored immediately, and held on for the victory.

Saturday August 13, 2005

It is week six, which signals the trading deadline. Kevin hates his defence, and is going to make some moves. I am going to hold still this time. This in and of itself is a minor miracle, as I usually like to make tons of trades. I am the Mike Milbury of Madden, never satisfied.

Saturday August 13, 2005
6:58 p.m.

Ooh. I am so excited. I get to play with the Jaguars, who have Julian Peterson, Takeo Spikes and Ray Lewis making up their linebacking core. I am going to blitz like crazy with my linebackers, and do as much Ray Ray dancing as I possible can.

Kevin made a ton of trades, picking up new defensive ends, defensive tackles and linebackers. He is jazzed. Frankly, his defence wasn’t that bad. I am just that good.

Don’t tell him I said that. His heavy breathing is starting to scare me.

Saturday August 13, 2005
7:46 p.m.

I won 23-20, in overtime. I had a 20-13 lead in the fourth quarter which I could have held on to, but Kimmis bitched at me for running down the clock in the third, so I rushed some plays to give him the ball back. I thought I was doing what any smart coach would be doing, running a lot and killing the clock. It wasn’t like I had the lead when I was doing it. It was a tie game. But I would have been furious too. It isn’t like in the NFL, where you hardly notice that a coach is playing the clock game. In Madden, unless you pretend to flick through plays to take up time, you basically stand at the line for 20-30 seconds twiddling your thumbs. Anyways, Kevin marched down the field on my sympathy and scored a touchdown with no time left on the clock. I was furious with myself for showing any signs of sympathy and understanding.

I got the ball back in overtime, but did little with it. We passed possession back and forth until I was able to get far enough down to get a field goal for the win. That makes Kevin 1-4. I forced three turnovers in the game, which was huge. As for my Ray Lewis? My boy was everywhere, making huge tackles and big sacks. What a monster. I am kicking myself for not trying to pick him up before the trade deadline. If nothing else, it would have made Kevin wet his pants in fear. It would have been worth the first round draft pick and over ninety player I probably would have had to send back in return, just to hear Kevin sigh the sigh of utter resignation.


Saturday August 13, 2005
8:30 p.m.

We are back from a dinner break, and ready to go. I realized during my losing streak today that I was wearing my shoes last night when I was beating Kimmis. I put them back on, and haven’t lost since. They probably reek, as I have no socks on, but it is a small price to pay for humiliating Kimmis.

I had a bye in week six, and am about to play the Chargers in week seven. Yes! Kimmis is stuck with Joey Harrington. Let’s see how you do now, bitch.

Saturday August 13, 2005
9:17 p.m.

I just beat the Chargers 41-14, bringing my record up to 4-2. I picked off Joey Heisman four times. It was so bad that Kimmis did a QB kneel for the last 1:55 of the game. I have never seen that before.

Saturday August 13, 2005
9:30 p.m.

I just fumbled on the opening kickoff, which means I am going to lose this game. Bank it. It is how Kevin started his winning streak earlier today. Almost the exact same play. This is getting weird. I feel like the Rain Man here.

I am playing with the Cincinnati Bungles, which is also a sure sign I will lose. Has their been a worse franchise in professional sports over the past 10 years? Who would have thought the loss of Boomer Esiason could be so debilitating to a franchise?

I have three great linebackers again. Jason “I Am The” Farrior, Keith “Brookings Institute”, and Jamie “Mufasa” Sharper. This naming of players is a regular sports video game habit of Abbouds and mine. We take great pleasure in thinking up the most obscure nicknames for players. One Christmas holiday, all we did was play NHL Hockey and think up names. My two favorites? Shane Corson “Welles”, and Alexander “Dude Where’s My” Karpovtsev. Kevin hasn’t been playing the name game this year, which makes me miss Alex even more. That and the fact that he would have tickled Kimmis into submission by now.

Saturday August 13, 2005
10:21 p.m.

I told you so. Kevin just won, bumping his record up to 2-4. I am furious, because Kevin is playing me next with the 5-2 Broncos next. I mean, I know I am having a better season than him, but this is ridiculous. He keeps playing me with awesome teams, and I play him with absolute garbage, at least on offence. I have to squeak out victories in the most painful ways. The Broncos have Matt Hasselbeck and “Little LT” on offence. Any team that has a great running back and a great QB on the roster is almost impossible to beat.

Kevin is smiling at me. He is really anxious to beat me with the Broncos. Practically salivating.

Saturday August 13, 2005
11:18 p.m.

I beat the Broncos, and Kevin is very angry. In fact, he just told me to fuck off. Several times. Then he made fun of my degrees, which is funny since we share one of them (Education). The booze is being consumed very quickly. Kev is pounding back the low carb beer like he is stuck at a family reunion. It isn’t my fault he can’t win with superior teams. Why the hell is he getting so mad at me?

I scored over thirty-five points for the 4th time in seven games. With my Eagles, I am averaging thirty-seven and a half points a game for the season, and am 5-2. I rule right now.

Saturday August 13, 2005
11:25 p.m.

Oh my God. Patrick Ramsey’s backup is Kordell Stewart. You have to be kidding me. I am so screwed.

Sunday August 13, 2005
12:18 a.m.

I just beat Kevin with Kordell Stewart as my starting quarterback. Ouch. That drops him and the Steelers to 2-5 on the season. I am actually worried about what Kevin may do to me tonight.

I kept shutting Kevin down with my defence during the game, and I could tell by his actions that he thought I was cheating. He must have thought I was looking at his play calling, because he started scrolling through plays really, really fast, so as to avoid my notice. I never look at that stuff. I take my time picking my defensive plays now, because I like for Kevin to think that I am watching him pick, but I really am not. The only thing I will do is look at his formation. Never his specific plays. I like to know if he is going to go with the I-Formation or the Shotgun, but that is about as far as it goes.

I beat Kev on the last play of the game again. I marched the ball down, killing clock, and chipped in a twenty-five yard field goal with no time left on the clock. Kevin stormed over to the fridge, grabbed one of his import beers (for special, losing occasions, I guess) and then sat down to play the next week. I think we need to take a break, so I have asked for some time to just chill. Kevin acquiesced, but I know he isn’t happy about it. He wants to head back into the pit like a bull to the slaughter.

Sunday August 13, 2005
1:19 a.m.

We are entering week nine of our season. That means eighteen more games to go, plus playoffs. I don’t think we will get through a whole season this weekend. We have played fourteen games already, and it has taken a day and a half. Plus, Kevin is on the edge right now, which makes our success at completion even more difficult. He has started two fisting beer and Grand Marnier, and his breathing makes me feel like I am playing football against Darth Vader.

Sunday August 13, 2005
1:26 a.m.

After discovering that Kevin had Kurt Warner as his quarterback, I gleefully shouted out, “I am going to pick you off!” About three seconds later, on Kevin’s first play from scrimmage, I did exactly that. Those who don’t know football with think I am a seer. Those who do know it will tell you I made one of the safest predictions in the history of sports.

Sunday August 13, 2005
1:40 a.m.

Kevin has not said an entire word since we started. It is getting very tense in here, and frankly it isn’t very fun anymore. He is being super-competitive, practically throwing his shoulders out with every hit his players--ON A TELEVISION SCREEN--make. I also know that he is watching my play calling. Kevin is notorious for this, and he is up to his old tricks again. There is no way that he isn’t looking. The formations he is picking, and more importantly the shifts he is doing with his defensive line and linebackers, are perfectly matched up with my own. I can’t really blame him, as I am sure he is desperate to win, but again, it just takes the fun away from things. I can’t even tease him about it for fear that he will physically attack me.

Sunday August 13, 2005
1:50 a.m

It isn’t even the end of the 3rd quarter, and Kimmis has rushed for two hundred and thirty yards with Edgerrin James. He is averaging sixteen yards a carry. That is sick.

Kevin has also knocked my starting quarterback, Jake “The Ragin’ Cajun” Delhomme, out of the game. I am going to have to come from behind and beat Kevin with backup quarterback J.P. “Willy” Losman.

Neither of these events is positive.

Sunday August 13, 2005
1:55 a.m.

Yes! On fourth and ten, on about my own fourty yard line, I bombed a pass down the right side to Anquan Boldin. He caught it, and I ran in the ball for a touchdown two plays later. That gives me a 38-35 edge, with 1:51 left in the game. I wanted Kevin to win this game, I really did. But he is being such a terror right now that I want to beat him just to show him a lesson. I am attempting to keep my spirits up by whistling and talking out loud to myself, but I don’t know how much more I can hang on here.

Sunday August 13, 2005
2:02 a.m.

I can’t believe I held on to win that game. I made two bonehead mistakes in the last two minutes that could have cost me, big time. First I called a timeout on fourth and twenty-five on Kimmis’ ten yard line--when Kimmis had the ball. I survived that one, thanks to a Jevon Kearse sack (he had made the sack on 3rd down too). Then, with me in possession of the ball on Kevin’s six yard line, I proceed to take a knee for three straight downs. Kimmis had already used one of his timeouts, so I figured I could run the clock out. Wrong. I was able to get the clock down to thirty-five seconds, but I had to settle for a field goal. If I had run the ball, I likely would have gotten into the end zone and put myself up by ten. Because I have been horrified to fumble the ball after my Clinton Portis gaff last night, I had to settle for a field goal and a 41-35 lead with time on the clock. Kevin could have still win with a touchdown. Thankfully, I stopped him, ending the game with yet another Jevon Kearse sack (making it three in the last two minutes).

Sunday August 13, 2005
2:10 a.m.

I just told Kevin that I don’t want to play any more games tonight. I told him it was too tense in here and that it wasn’t fun. He mumbled “okay” and then proceeded to his bedroom without even saying goodnight. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave? Should I call an end to the Madden weekend? I don’t want to, but this isn’t any fun at all. If I wanted to sit in silence, I could have played Madden at home by myself. I don’t think I would be any less angry than Kevin about losing all the time, but I also know that I would talk and try and make some fun out of it. He could have at least had a drink and watched some television with me. There must have been some soft-porn or bad 80’s movie on somewhere. And do I post any of this on my blog now? I don’t want to paint Kevin in an unsympathetic picture, because if I was losing as bad as he is I would be miserable too. I might have even called it quits and just gotten drunk. And I think most guys would be the same way. Men are competitive, even when it comes to video games. I am positive Abboud would have punched me by this point.

Oh irony of ironies. I just opened my Hotmail account, and saw this warning from Mrs. H in my Inbox. The question is, who is going to die first this weekend, Kimmis or me?

Either way, he will be the guilty party.

Sunday August 13, 2005
3:12 a.m.

I am currently attempting to download some pump up music. “Eye of the Tiger” and anything I can get from NFL films. I have been looking for video footage of the Ray Lewis dance since at least Christmas, but haven’t found anything. I think I will look again tonight.

I am too tired to leave now. If Kimmis is still grumpy when we get up, I think I will bolt. I hope he is better, because I have been having lots of fun hanging out with him. I think I will advocate going to see a movie or something to break the monotony of insanity.

Oh my God! This is so good. I just found a whack of NFL Film songs on Limewire, including “The Classic Battle,” and “The Power and the Glory.” Fuck, this is so amazing. If I was an NFL player, this is the stuff I would listen to before every single game. Maybe I should get some big earmuffs like Terrell Owens and play the rest of the weekend listening to this stuff. I swear I wouldn’t lose. There is no way I would lose. This music is bulletproof.

I am fairly certain Abboud is going to wet himself when he hears this stuff.

Ya, I'd Like To Have It 75 Degrees And Sunny All The Time Too, But That's Not Football.


Post a Comment

<< Home