Thursday, December 08, 2005

Didn't You Read Animal Farm?

Having read a Jim Caple story today about Anna Benson, deliciously hot but totally crazy wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson, I thought I would drop by her webpage and check out the scene. And by "scene," I mean her "breasts." Sure enough, the page is littered with photos of this stunning goddess, as well as some video from a photoshoot with FHM. Little did I know, however, that Anna-who has been making the news lately due to her rumoured photo shoot with Playboy magazine-is also a bit of a literati. Below, you will see an open letter from Anna to PETA. I thought about just cutting and pasting parts into this post, but I decided in the end that the whole letter needed to be read. It is truly one of the great works of our time.

Dear PETA,

I am a self-professed animal lover. I have a horse, ten dogs, two cats, and seven fish that all live like royalty here at my house in Atlanta, and, oh my, none of them came from the pound. But I guess this is your first strike against me, right? I might just be damned for my domesticated animals, among other things, but we’ll get to those. First I think that you should ask my animals if they feel like prisoners in my home—ask them if they would rather live in their natural habitats. I’m not so sure if they would want to give up their gourmet meals, luxurious beds, and fancy-ass toys. I don’t think they would voluntarily leave their deluxe dog spa in the basement, a custom built room with play areas, water fountains, and an access door to their own private yard. I’m positive they would miss their weekly spa treatments…you should see the way they all lie down to get their full-body massage / shampoo. I love my dogs so much that I always hug them and kiss them and pamper them like they are part of the family…because they are. The same five-star treatment is bestowed upon my horse, cats, and fish…believe me, no one is forgotten when the spoil-me-rotten shuttle makes its rounds. And my love of animals doesn’t stop at the end of my driveway. I have been involved in animal charities, donating money and time to animal rights’ causes. I am vehemently opposed to illegal poaching, and I think that anyone who unnecessarily harms an animal should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

However, animal rights only go so far. I also happen to believe in the circle of life. Everyone and everything has a place and a purpose on this earth. Ms. Fox is not all that concerned with Mr. Rabbit’s rights when she catches him and rips his throat out with her teeth…I’d be willing to bet that the only thing he’s thinking is, “yummy.” Didn’t you read Animal Farm? I’m positive that if animals had the capabilities of humans (you know, things like rational and logical thought), they would not hesitate to enjoy dishes like human carpaccio and newborn stew. I’m positive that designer human-handbags would be all the rage. And, of course, our new national anthem would be, “Four Legs Good; Two Legs Bad!”

I have always held these views but have just recently decided to share them due to a recent PETA (the People who Enact Terrorist Agendas) maneuver. I discovered that Elle MacPherson was pressured, or, rather, terrorized, by PETA to refuse her 1.8 million dollar Blackglama fur campaign. She was warned to drop the campaign “or else.” Well, that really pissed me off. Just, exactly, what the fuck are you gonna do about it PETA? It’s one thing for you to print your extremist literature and stage your anti-human demonstrations, but you are no better than the baby seal killers when you start threatening people and their families. Elle can wear as much fur as she likes…and if a company wants to pay her to wear the furs, well, then, good for her. PETA is officially crazy to think that they have a right to stop her.

Elle might not have wanted to tango with you, but I’m ready to dance. Shall we dance PETA? I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don’t like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals. Between my furs and my shoes, I have a whole zoo in my closet. I also love to eat meat. I eat meat twice a day because I need the protein and soy gives me painful gas. Besides, I love a big, really rare steak that’s still mooing on my plate. Moooo—yum. I like fish too. I especially like to catch fish, cut off their little heads and eat them. And I guess Chickens are okay…I liked that movie Chicken Run, but I would ring one of their little necks in about two seconds if I was hungry. But what I’d really like to know is what the fuck is PETA gonna do about it?

I know that you’re not gonna make me a card-carrying member. I guess I’ll throw away my application along with all my PETA hopes and dreams. Actually, I’m glad that you won’t have me because I wouldn’t be caught dead affiliating with you. PETA is on crack, and we all know from those after-school specials that crack kills. Get off the crack PETA. Out of curiosity, I recently went to the official PETA site. Wow. I was absolutely amazed. Your site should be used in the government’s next anti-drug campaign, “Save a Chicken and Just Say No.” I knew that you were radicals, but I didn’t equate you to Al Qaeda extremism until I read through your “philosophy” on “animal rights.” Next thing you know, you guys will start your own political party with a fucking chicken for president. And why not? The democrats keep on having jack-asses run. So, yeah, Chicken for Prez!

Seriously though, I am shocked that PETA compares animal abuse to child abuse and murder. What is wrong with you people? How can you say that the fur trade is comparable to the holocaust? How dare you tell millions of Jews that their attempted extermination and subsequent suffering in the concentration camps is equivalent to the new fall line of boots? And where did you get the idea that animals should have the same rights as mentally challenged people? Maybe we should let animals compete in the Special Olympics as well? You’re suggesting that they have the same mental capabilities, so why not? You are all fucking crazy and idiotic for being so radical and one sided about animals. They have, like, two cells in their little animal heads, but I think natural instinct helps them understand that they are here to eat and be eaten. And I also think that the animal gods understand that, in the big scheme of things, some animals must give up their fur to keep me warm just like some humans must give up their lives because Mr. Bear didn’t like them walking through his woods. Besides, if animals were not killed some, they would take over the earth, multiplying exponentially, and our resources would be jeopardized. Your idiot-based campaigns make me want to go kill some deer, and I have never been hunting in my life.

I have, however, been fishing, and I will probably fish again. And I dare you to give my kid some radical literature if I decide to take him/her fishing in New York; I’ll kick your ass on the spot. In fact, if any of your idiot members ever come anywhere near my kids, I will skin them and eat them for dinner. In other words, I am not afraid of you PETA! I will eat yummy animals; I will wear warm and fuzzy animals; and I will DEFINITLY test on innocent animals for my new cosmetics line if I feel it necessary to protect human consumers. Now, like I said, I am against people who abuse domestic pets or caged circus animals; I will never support abuse at shelters and/or zoos. I also agree that Animals for entertainment is probably not a good idea (just ask Roy Horn). And, really, I won’t kill anything that I don’t eat or wear unless it is pestering me. Even I, the animal murderer, have some limits to what I will or won’t do with animals. I guess one could say that I am an animal connoisseur: I love them, I eat them, and I wear them.

So, I think it’s safe to say that PETA and I have some ideological differences. This is not so aggravating. What is aggravating are PETA’s hypocritical maneuvers, like using Martha Stewart as a spokesperson. Seriously? The bitch cooks fish, chicken and pork. She kills and eats them real good while clomping around the kitchen in her leather clogs. She strolled into court donning different leather pocketbooks, and I know I’ve seen her sport a leather coat or two. But, oh yeah, she won’t wear fur, so that makes her the perfect PETA spokesperson. Are you trying to tell me that the cow that died for Martha’s hot Gucci bag suffered any less than some ratty little minks? I’m sorry PETA, but shouldn’t you condemn Martha for her non-pound pure-bred dogs and the fact that she can’t make any of her “yummy” mincemeat pies without the MEAT! I mean, doesn’t PETA have an all or nothing attitude towards animal rights? Having Martha as a spokesperson when she still eats meat and wears animals is hypocritical.

The only people whom I hate more than hypocrites are idiots…and PETA is at the top of my idiot list next to NAMBLA. So I double hate PETA, and I don’t care if PETA hates me because I hate you first. Don’t hate me yet? Don’t worry; I will make it my mission in life to do all sorts of things to make you hate me back. Then we’ll be even in our hatred, and I’m fine with that, but I dare PETA to mess with me. You are going to have to sit back and watch the next chapter in my life unfold. Like when I build my next house on enough acreage to house lots of animals…lots and lots of cute, and cuddly, and useful animals. They’ll be spoiled too, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not going to let any of them go to waste if they drop over dead. My alpaca will be a great pet, but he’ll also make a great new pair of UGG boots when his time is up. And my lambs will graze to their hearts are content, but they will also make a delicious holiday meal that we will give thanks for. Thank you lamb...thank you from the bottom of my stomach. And we can’t forget about my chickens. They’ll live in a posh chicken house, and I’ll eat all of their yummy chicken babies every morning for breakfast. That’s right; my chef will crack those eggs and watch those chicken babies fry. Hate me yet? Good.

PETA, PETA, PETA…don’t be silly little rabbits…get a real fucking cause like, I don’t know, humans. For real, if you ever want to be taken seriously, stop harassing people and go save a chicken from crossing the road. I’ll even make a deal with you since you like to exterminate so many of your “rescue” animals—get a real cause and you’ll be the first group that I call when it’s slaughtering time at la casa Benson.
Now, off to KFC…

Anna “Animal Murderer” Benson


At 5:12 PM, Blogger Avi Schaumberg said...

Small errors aside (that's what editors are for), it's a minor masterpiece. I think she's channelled Hunter.


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