2010 Olympic Predictions

Watching yesterday's opening ceremonies at the Turin/Torino Olympics was a surreal experience. Literally. Okay, maybe surreal isn't the best term. F*$#ing bizarre might be more apt. Or post-post-modern. As I have noted elsewhere, I felt like I was watching a Pet Shop Boys video for two hours. First there was a euro dance party dedicated to "futurism to the future", whatever the hell that actually means (was Jacques Derrida on the organizing committee?). Then the car racing. Then there was Yoko Ono sputtering nonsense. Then Peter Gabriel imagining a world with no religion (which always goes over HUGE). Then Susan Sarandon carrying the Olympic flag (what, was Jane Fonda too busy?). And lastly, when I couldn't stand anymore, Luciano Pavaratti drove the last stake through my trembling heart. Forgive me for saying this--I know it is insensitive and wrong and politically incorrect-- but my sum conclusion from watching yesterday's opening ceremonies is that the entire state of Italy has gone all kinds of gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the only thing missing was a Bette Midler appearance.

Thinking back on yesterday's Italian discharge, however, has made me consider what the organizing committee has planned for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. If the opening ceremonies are intended to be an extension of a city's/country's culture and history, then I am sure the world is going to be hammered over the head with every Canadian symbol possible in 2010. As such, here are my early predictions/ wishful thinkings.

Gear

I am definitely hoping for the Coureurs de Bois look in 2010. Really, anything with a beaver pelt and musket would be fine. If not, a toque and lumberjack jacket with a pack of Export A's in the front pocket should do the trick.


Food
The official food of the Vancouver Olympics should be a concoction of fine Canadian cuisine: poutine, maple syrup, Timbits, bannock, beavertails, smarties, pro-stars, and of course baby seal.



Mascot
I realize that the mascot is likely to be an animal with symbolic importance to the region, like a Thunderbird, Orca, Grizzly Bear, polygamist from Bountiful or Vietnam draft-dodging pothead from Nelson. It may even be a beaver. But can I just make the pitch for this guy:

And no, I don't mean Gary Carter.

Or how about this guy?

Why are all the best mascots from Quebec, anyways?


Sport
In Turin, the ladies had a race car whip around the Olympic stadium. Might I suggest that we man up a bit with a little game of baaga'adowe, also known as lacrosse?

Unofficially Canada's National sport until 1994, when it was officially made Canada's National Summer Sport (in a typically Canadian compromise, lacrosse was made the summer sport while hockey was made the winter sport), lacrosse is the sport of champions. I say we kick it old school, and just let 100-200 guys play to the death. Really get the crowd pumped up for the skeleton and Todd Bertuzzi sightings, you know?


Athlete's Village
This one is a no-brainer.

I know it isn't representative of the Aboriginal peoples of the lower mainland, but neither is Illanaaq the Inukshuk. I am always flexible with the Haida house, though, if etiquette demands it.


Singers/Performers
I got this one down. I just know it. These people will all perform:

Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Susan Aglukark, Les Bucherons, Cirque du Soleil, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Mike Reno and Kim Mitchell. Neil Young will also do a rousing rendition of "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)". Myself, I am crossing my fingers that Gordon Lightfoot will do the entire Canadian Railroad Trilogy.



Torch Bearers
I say Wayne Gretzky gets the call to light the Olympic torch. Course, I wouldn't bet on it. ZING!!!


Olympic Medals
Everyone is talking about how shitty the Turin medals look. And by everyone, I mean me.

But the more that I think about it, this medal could easily be translated to Vancouver. Instead of using actual metal, which we all know is bad for the environment, Vancouver could just use gold, silver and glazed donuts from Tim Hortons. That way, you don't steal minerals from Mother Earth, and you get a tasty treat, too. I know the snowboarders got my back on this one.


Anyone else have any predictions?