Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Collected Works Of (Big) Aristotle

Philosopher: Shaquille O'Neal
Nicknames: Big Aristotle, Shaq-Fu, Diesel, Superman, Doctor Shaq
College: Louisiana State
Professional Teams: Orlando Magic, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat
NBA Championships: 3
MVP Awards: 1
All-Star Appearances: 13
Albums: Shaq Diesel, Shaq Fu - Da Return, The Best of Shaquille O'Neal, You Can't Stop the Reign, Respect
Movies: Blue Chips, Kazaam, Good Burger, Steel, Freddy Got Fingered, Scary Movie 4
Favorite Holiday: Shaqsgiving
Favorite Move: Shaw-Shaq Redemption
Nemesis: Free Throw, Hack-a-Shaq, Kobe Bryant
Missing Quote: One on "bringing the boom," said to Ahmad Rashad in a post-game interview

“I would like to be refered to as 'The Big Aristotle'.”

"Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do." (paraphrasing Aristotle)

“I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”

"I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA.”

“Why don't you bring your face up here and let me punch it? Then you can tell me (if I'm stronger).” (answering a reporter's question)

"I'm dominant every night. I come in every night and get beat up. I never make a face when they try to flagrant or hack-a-Shaq me, because I'm not from this planet. Earthlings don't faze me..."

"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

"Tell Yao Ming, 'Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.'" (followed by kung-fu moves)

"You have to foul me to stop me, period."

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece)

"They're a great WNBA team." (on the Sacramento Kings)

"I know one day, I'm going to wake up and it's not going to be there. When that day comes, whoever we're playing, they're going to be in trouble. I've been playing like Erick Dampier." (on playing through pain)

"Dampier is soft. Quote it, underline it, tape it and send it to him. Don't ask me about that guy, ever. You can tell him I said it. You guys try to compare him and rate him and match him up against me, but I'm telling you there's nothing there."

"I didn't say anything. Got nothing to say. I'm a married man; I don't need a relationship with another man." (on why he barely acknowledged former teammate Kobe Bryant before a game)

"I'll take 14 out of 15 any day of the week, any week of the month, any month of the year, any year of the century. I don't know what comes after century.” (after having a 14 game winning streak snapped)

"I went to the regular academy. I got maced, had to go through the gas house, got shot with the taser twice. I did everything they did. So they know that I am serious and, when I am done playing, I will be sheriff somewhere in some city in some county. I have full powers of arrest and, you know, when I am at work, I do police officer duties. Right now I am working in Internet crimes against children. I work in a Special Victim's Unit. I teach children how not to be captured by this guy. It is simple. When you are online, don't talk to strangers. Don't give any personal information. Don't tell him where you live. Don't send pictures. If he gets too fishy and a guy starts asking you questions that are crazy, tell mom. Tell mom to call the local authorities and they will call us and we will handle it from there.

Another thing I am looking to do is go to Congress and get some of these laws a little bit tougher. I am sick and tired of people having sex with children and getting probation or only getting two years. And Congress, they are going to have to help out. They are going to have to help change these laws. No more of pleading out and getting two months or going to a psychiatric hospital. We need harsh jail terms. When I retire I am going to take a week, take two weeks off. Somebody is going to have to hire me. Some city, some county, some federal position is going to have to hire Shaquille O'Neal and he is qualified. And it is proven. Look it up."

"If you've got a Corvette that runs into a brick wall, you know what's gonna happen. He's a corvette. I'm a brick wall. So you know what's gonna happen." (on playing Kobe Bryant)

"I don't have to make a point. I'm George Bush. I'm the president. I built that arena, so I don't have to make a point. I think it'll take us out of what we're trying to do for me to go in there and try to make points."

"Listen, everybody that had something to do with me has been fired or traded or cut; my boy Rick Fox was cut, and he's out there doing bad movies."

"That game was dedicated to Rick Adelman. I'm at home, in the bathroom, trying to take a dump, flipping through the channels and he's complaining about how I'm stepping over the line. I don't believe people still question me after all the hard work I've done. I can't even do a No. 2 in peace. I'm sitting there grunting at 12:30 at night. Can I go one day without somebody saying something negative about me?"

"I'm going to do what I usually do when I go to New Jersey. I'm going to go see my father's father and I'm going to see my great-grandmother. Chill out, eat some macaroni and cheese and fried chicken. That's about it."

"My game is like the Pythagorean theorem, no one has an answer."

"It's good that he's back. When I buy the team in three years, he'll be working for me." (one former coach Brian Hill rejoining the Magic)

“I'm sorry, who?" (when asked about Kobe Bryant)

"Me shooting 40% at the foul line is just God's way to say nobody's perfect."

"I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it's not how you start the date, it's how you finish it sir. A lot of people can, you know, start the date with flowers and candy, but if you don't finish the date … you know what I mean?"

"The mistakes I did with my first two kids, Penny and Kobe, I won't repeat with D-Wade."

"I wouldn't. I would just go home. I'd fake an injury or something.” (when asked how he would defend against himself)

"Stay out of the gentlemen's clubs. Get a lot of rest. Just have fun and relax and stay focused." (on winning on the road)

"The difference between those three is the Godfather trilogy. One is Fredo, who was never ready for me to hand it over to him. One is Sonny, who will do whatever it takes to be the man, and one is Michael, who if you watch the trilogy, the Godfather hands it over to Michael. So I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane." (on Penny Hardaway, Kobe Bryant, and Dwyane Wade)

"I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities -- I'm proven to be good. I've still got 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years left."

"Last year's shoe phone was good, but every year I have to step it up. I knew the Daytona 500 was running the same day, so I thought I would bring my own hot ride to the All-Star Game." (on his new shoe phone at the 2006 All-Star Game)

"I think it's a great city. I think it's a fabulous city. But in my young juvenile days, I was an idiot and I bought 30 cars. And I need to drive those cars and New York isn't really the place you can do that." (on not wanting to play for the Knicks)

"I was walking in my big fur coat and they tackled me cause they thought I was sasquatch. I told them if they gave me a couple badges I wouldn't press charges.'' (on playing in Toronto and why he was carrying OPP badges)

"I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me. You've got some new young Shoguns trying to step up—Amare, Jermaine, Ming. But by the time they kill this Shogun, I'll be retired, and I'll have two platinum swords and five NBA MVP balls. That is why one day I said my game will be like the Pythagorean Theorem—hard to figure out. A lot of people really don't know the Pythagorean Theory. They don't make them like me anymore. They don't want to make them like that anymore. I think the type of centers you are looking at know are the Collier's and Nowitzki, the guys that can step out and shoot the shit out of the ball. They can shoot and you can not take that away from them. I have never been a shooter. I have always been a prolific M.F. scorer. You know what M.F. stands for?"

"I just wish that one day they just allow him to play me one-on-one so you can see the Shogun kill another Ninja. I know when we play them they are going to front and back, double or triple." (on playing Yao Ming)

"Cross somebody up, start a fight, get a flagrant or tech. I don't know." (after being asked how Yao could better impress him)

"I just wanted everybody to know I'm suing Ruben Studdard because when I got the dunk I accidentally bumped him and he had his hand on my ass, and he wouldn't let me go." (after the 2004 All-Star game)

"The rules of the game have changed because of one guy. That just tells you I am a bad M.F.-er. It changes because of one guy, not 28 teams planning we need to do this or do that. But that is the only thing that slows me down is the system. No one, two or three was big enough to slow me down, only the system. It was the system that slowed me down to make my numbers fall. Not because I am older. I play against a front and a back every night, Ming does not have to do that, Duncan does not have to do that, Garnett doesn't do that. I am the only one that has to do that. And then I am the only one that a team says are going to use there fouls and then don't get the calls. One day I was playing a game against the Clippers and Dunleavy was going 'foul him' and the ref would not make the call. I told the ref 'he said foul me and he is fouling me, you didn't see it?' But, hey I did everything the right way and earned my spot in this game, nothing was given to me. I started out as a young Ninja and killed all of the Shoguns. I am a Shogun now and I'm holding my spot. There probably won't be another Shogun after this."

"Steel is like the black-hooded version of Superman: big, bald, black head. Sexy. Myself, of course."

"I was thinking about doing a tour of Russia or China. I don't know yet. I might go over there and they might not let me come back. I've been mostly to all the places I've wanted to go: Europe, France, London. Where would I go? Probably to like an island. The Island Of Dr. Moreau, I don't know."

"I got big balls--big basketballs, I mean."

"What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."

"I will gracefully bow out. But my spot will never be taken."

"I think we have gotten better in each category. Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh. Type that. Try and type that."

"No, but I would with your wife." (when a reporter asked him if he would suck the venom from a snake bite out of his mother's chest to win another championship)

"I can't read anyway, so it doesn't matter what you write."

"My impression was my daughters tackle me harder when I come home. You know, I'm one of the last players from the old school, and you know, you just have to take a hard foul like that and keep on moving. It actually felt pretty good to get hit like that. Thank you, Jerry, I appreciate it." (on taking a hard foul from Jerry Stackhouse)

"Win or lose, I am programmed to do more. That's because I am the other son of Jorel -- Superman."

***Note*** I will continually update this. Feel free to let me know of any I have missed in the comments section.


At 1:41 AM, Blogger mudcrutch79 said...

I don't like basketball, but Shaq is one of my favourite athletes just because he's funny and interesting. You're missing one of my favourites-he showed up in Toronto in this full length man fur and after the game he was holding an Ontario Provincial Police badge. Someone asked him about the badge and he told them that he was mistaken for a sasquatch due to the fur, taken into custody and that they gave him the badge to smooth things over when they released him. Funny guy.

At 1:58 AM, Blogger Andy Grabia said...

I will look for it and update. Thanx.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger sacamano said...

I'll admit that I hated the Big Aristotle when he first came in the league. It seemed like he should have been called with a charge everytime he got the ball - plus his total inability to hit a free throw was so anti-Bird that it was tough to come around to him.

But when I saw him deliver his "money, money, money, . . . pepsi . . . reebok " quote, I warmed up. When I saw the "certain ammenities" quote I fell in love.

He cracks me up.


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