Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Meeker & Monster Chiller Horror Theatre

Okay, NOW I am interested. We were looking for a Superbowl story other than Jerome Bettis' return to Detroit, and my main man Joey Porter delivered. Following comments made by Seahawks tight-end Jerramy "That Is Not A Typo" Stevens that the Steelers wouldn't be winning the Superbowl (which is true), and that Porter wouldn't be getting to the quarterback because of the presence of left tackle Walter Jones (which is even MORE true), Porter went off. Again. Imagine me at a telestrator breaking down these comments. I have a black felt marker, and a really high-pitched, nasally voice.
"He's too soft to say something like that," Porter said.
Golly gee, those are some harsh words from Porter. It reminds me of a time in the PC caucus, when Diefenbaker called George Drew a sissy-boy and fistacuffs broke out. Or was that me and Stafford Smythe? Either way, just an ungentlemanly comment.

Porter also called Stevens "a first-round bust who barely made some plays this season."
Gee willikers! That is just uncalled for, folks. Billy Barilko only scored six goals in 1951, and we all know how that one turned out. Porter better watch what he says; it may come back and bite him in the keister.

"You look for the guys that say something that aren't supposed to say nothing, and I feel like he definitely was out of pocket to say what he said," Porter said. "I'm going to make sure he owns up to those words."
Jiminy Cricket! He starts off poetically, with the "guys who say something supposed to say nothing" comment. But what does that even, mean ladies and gentlemen? Or "out of pocket". That is just a breakdown in communication, Dave. Look at this play develop. It looks like Porter is intending to say, "out of the pocket", and score with a football metaphor. It get's lost in his mind somewhere, though, and he fans on the word. Fumble!

"I've been asleep all week but now I got woke up," Porter said Wednesday. "I've got my first taste of blood and now I'm thirsty for more."
Stop it there. Back it up. Let's look at this one again. This is a good play, people. Look at how Porter starts right away with the Dracula talk. Asleep all week and now he "got woke up." Gee, that is just super craftmanship. Those are skills you can't teach. You just can't. Mike Tyson had those same skills. John Rocker did too. I am really looking forward to this game. I want to see if Porter can deliver on his promise to drink Jerramy Steven's blood. Gee, I am excited!

This is a surefire way to get me to do more than just get as drunk and fat as I possibly can this weekend (not that that won't still happen). I wonder if Chuck Klosteman made the Jerramy Stevens/Seattle/Pearl Jam/ Jerramy's Spoken connection yet? I will have to check his blog fortwith.


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