Breakdancing With Mr. T

Pump It! And Pump It! Louder! Pump It! Louder! Pump It! Louder! Pump It! Louder! Turn up the radio...Blast your stereo...Right...

Game 4 between the Sharks and Oilers is tonight at 6 p.m. MST. After Game 3 and Game 3 3/4, I am sure everyone in Edmonton is just fine with the early start. Some thoughts on the game:

• The Black Eyed Peas Oilers intro is great, but what I would really like to see is something along the lines of what the Carolina Hurricanes do with Ric Flair. After every Canes goal, "The Nature Boy" appears on the jumbotron, stylin' and profilin': "That's a Carolina Hurricanes goal! Wooo! Woooo!" Zombie Nation is pretty hard to beat, but I think we have enough well known local talent to do the job. Leslie Nelson, Jill Hennessy, Nathan Fillion, or Michael J. Fox would fit the bill. And who wouldn't like to see Tommy Chong on the jumbotron after a goal muttering, "Hey, what's happening, man? Did the Oilers just score another goal, man?" Maybe we could get ex-CKUA voice Robert Goulet screaming, "NATURE!" or, "GOULET!" after a goal or to start a game? Failing all that, how about getting Mr. T to come into town to do some breakdancing?

• To win tonight's game, the Oilers have to avoid doing whatever it was that they didn't do in Period 2 of Game 3.They stopped dumping the puck in, didn't finish off their checks, and didn't exit their own zone with any speed. It has been weird watching all of these games, because it has been patently obvious how the Oilers need to play. For some reason, however, the clarity with which myself and others have seen the games has been lost on the players and the coaching staff for large chunks of this series. I suppose we have the luxury of watching the game from a more, let us say, objective distance, but isn't that why the Oilers have scouts, a G.M. and three assistant coaches? Shouldn't someone be upstairs or in another room watching film?

• Whatever else happens this year, I hope Craig Simpson is gone. I think Mac T gave himself another year with the victory over Detroit, but Simpson has created the most predictable power play unit in the history of the NHL. The Oilers always look for the point shot from Pronger, Spacek, Bergeron or Stoll, Hemsky always tries the cross-ice pass, and every shot taken from the point has to be a deliberate slap shot that "just" misses the net or hits a defender as much if not more than it gets through. Very few shots are taken from the slot, and the passes are slow and agonizing. It's almost like watching a high-school basketball game where the coach has demanded that all five players have to touch the ball before it can be shot. The Oilers rarely get more than one shot on net in the first minute of a powerplay, even if they have had the puck in the offensive zone the entire time. My point in all this? Be less predictable, and score some goals on the f#%*ng powerplay!

• Mac T, please play Raffi Torres, Fernando Pisani, and Ethan Moreau more, preferably at the expense of Ales "Dancing With Myself" Hemsky and the new Magic Man, Sergei Samsonov.

• Does anyone know where Greg Millen is staying? If so, might you be willing to distract him for an evening? I suppose kidnapping is fine as a last resort, but I think sending a hooker and some eight balls to his room is a better option. I'll even chip in some money. Call me.

• As most now know, my beard mojo has become a cause célèbre in the Oilogosphere, so much so that it has now become a critical factor in this series. Earlier today I was torn on whether I should carry out my shaving schedule as per usual, or shave before the game, like I did for Game 3. I have decided to shave the beard again this afternoon, feeling that an opening of my pores will either a) properly allow the negative karmic energy in my body to escape and therefore liberate the team, or b) allow for me to suck in every last ounce of the karmic energy in the city. So if you see a seventy-foot Marshmallow Man created by the Sumerian demi-god Gorges on Whyte Ave following an Oilers victory tonight, that will be me.


• And if we lose tonight, don't blame me. Blame Sacamano, who has provoked the Hockey Gods by leaving our fair city for the netherworld of Calgary. As Sac himself would say, "I was as shocked as you--he never seemed like a gutless bastard in the past."