Thursday, February 02, 2006

Tijuana North (But No Cheap Smokes, Pregnant Strippers and Large Bottles of Vanilla)

***Note*** This post was written by Kevin Kimmis. Blogger has been having technical difficulties, and I had to repost it.


First off, I've pushed Avi's trivia feature, Back of the Card, down the page. For all you baseball or trivia fanatics, I suggest you click on this link to see if you can stump our miniature Schwab.

Now to my post: Windsor is getting a lot of free advertising, courtesy of the Super Bowl; it's just not the kind of notoriety the city fathers would like. Take, for example, this ESPN article which makes Windsor sound like a cross between Vegas and ... er, Vegas? Cuban cigars, gambling, fully naked strippers and "escorts" (or, to use the descriptive language of my grandmother, dirty whores shakin' their behinds at the men-folk). But because Windsor is also the only place in Canada which is geographically south of the United States, it's earned the ironic nickname "Tijuana North".

I've spent a few hours in both places, and for my two cents there is no comparison. Tijuana struck me as something out of the Depression -- the cowboy boots I bought there in the 1980s were probably the same price in U.S. dollars as they would have been in Oklahoma City circa 1932, and the storefronts were definitely as kitsch. But the place had a seedier side, which I wasn't old enough to see, although friends who went later on told me a few stories I'd rather not repeat here. (Suffice it to say the title of this story borrows from those tales).

Windsor? Well, it's an odd place. Part blue-collar town, part upscale city. Oddly enough, it reminds me of a smaller, slightly seedier version of Edmonton (which probably will insult people from both cities) but with more manufacturing. (I was going to say we have a hockey team and they don't, but that would be wrong.) Not my cup of tea, but compared to downtown Detroit, it's a jewel.

But the real issue I take with these articles is the painting of Canadians as morally bankrupt. Pu-leeze. Canadians are the most boring, staid, and proper people on earth; they're just practical. Why outlaw things people will do anyway when you can make it semi-legal and tax the living crap out of it? (Hence our near-decriminalization of marijuana.) Americans, on the other hand, are one part prude, one part voyeur; they'll admonish everyone else for doing something they themselves secretly desire or actually do behind close doors. (If you don't believe me, check this shit out.)

So let's explore these sins, shall we, and see why Americans are denied them -- and just for good measure, I'll sprinkle in a few tips for all those dirty
Yankees in case they decide to head north (or in this case, south) of the border to find them.

When I think of 'dirty Yankees',
this is usually what comes to mind.

Cuban cigars: Sheer stupidity? It's one thing to hate communism and Castro; it's another thing to deny yourself the pleasure of a Montecristo or Romeo Y Julieta. And if you slapped an import duty on them, not only would it fail to dissuade the target market for them -- rich jerks -- but you'd have enough cash for Bay of Pigs II. Hopefully, like Star Trek movies, the sequels are better than the original.

Dirty Yankees Smoking Cuban Cigars

My tip? Only buy your cigars at stores who import from Habana House, the only legal importer of Cuban cigars into Canada. Retailers should display the symbol in their stores. If there's no symbol, then chances are you're not smoking what you think you are. (I think I said those exact words to a girlfriend once. Well ... now an ex-girlfriend.)

Gambling: Apparently every American sportswriter covering the Windsor beat doesn't remember or know that Detroit has its own casinos. (Apparently we share the same style of reporting -- we write what we see out the window of our small one-bedroom apartments.) Not only that, you can smoke in American casinos; since the only thing Canadians are puritan about is health care costs, that's something you can't do here ... unless the casino is on a reserve, that is.

"Daddy doesn't care that you're a whore;
just point me towards the sign-in tables for the WSOP."

Advice? I play a little poker and blackjack, but only when I feel the urge to lose a lot of money. In respect of the latter, all I can do is relate the same advice a good friend once gave me when playing pool: It's not what you take, it's what you leave. For example, hitting on ten or eleven is a no-brainer, but if the dealer has a marginal hand (for example, anything between 13 and a soft 17) where he has to hit (and likely bust), better to sit on your bad hand than risk going out early. (Come to think of it, that's exactly what a girlfriend once said to me. And yes, she's also an ex.)

Strippers: My cousin in Michigan made it clear that Yankee strip clubs can't serve booze, and often require pasties. Ugh. Looking at skanky partially-clothed women sober sounds like f-u-n. Damn Puritans! But what do you expect from people who also
hate Christmas?

My tip? I have two. First, don't believe it when they talk about lap dance rules. Yes, the rules are no touching, but what happens in the Champagne Room stays there. Some of the experiences that have been related to me (since I of course would never go to a strip club as I'm too busy dating supermodels) suggest they'll do things to you your (ex-)girlfriend would never dream of doing.

How much do I pay for you
NOT to give me a lapdance?

Second, if you want to see great strippers, skip Windsor (do you want a lap dance from any of the girls in the pictures accompanying the ESPN story?) and go straight to Montreal. It has a more European feel than any city I've been to in North America, and that applies to the seedier side of life; for example, even the streetwalkers dress better than most of the women in Edmonton's club-of-the-moment. The things I've seen there are burned into my retinas for eternity ... of course, I'm talking about hockey games at the Bell Centre. (Hey, look ... Nickelback's playing there. Wow. What a dump.)

Escorts: See the "fun-hating moralist prudes" references above as to why the Yankees don't have 'legal' escorts, although I understand there are plenty of 'illegal' ones. Even I can't fathom why Canadian cities license escorts, but my reason is a legal one: While prostitution is technically legal in Canada, nothing else about it (solicitation for the purpose of, living off the avails of, or operation of a common bawdy house) is even remotely legal. Hence my first piece of advice for filthy American tourists: If you're crazy enough to talk to streetwalkers, avoid talking about the transaction in public -- 'cos you're probably going to jail. Of course, if you were in America, at least you'd have some good company; not so much here.

I finally find a girl who's into sports...
and the first thing she asked for was my credit card number.

As for escorts ... well, apparently the World Wide Web has created a whole new "marketplace" for them. Just like the great outdoors, picking up a rock in cyberspace means you're bound to find a few bugs, albeit some rather pretty ones. Is Brandy -- the escort mentioned in the ESPN article -- pretty? Unlike ESPN, I wanted to link to her webpage to let you decide for yourself ... but I couldn't find it. (Consider this a challenge for our regular patrons.) But I did find one girl who was advertising her Super Bowl appearance; ladies and gentleman, I give you Chanelle. Do with this knowledge what you will.

And finally: If you're married and looking to trade up without divorcing your spouse, you can always swap with someone. Why should marriage be any different than baseball cards?


**UPDATE**: Cranky administrator of this site emails me and says, with the irony turned up to eleven, 'Nice sports references.' Since it's clear I plum forgot this was a sports site, I went back in and added some appropriate content. My bad for leaving that out the first time.

Of course, ESPN also spent a whole article talking about this. And thanks to them, poker now predominates more of the sports selections available on cable than 'professional' wrestling (or worse yet, this). So smoking Cuban cigars while getting a lapdance from a licensed escort in a casino hotel on Super Bowl weekend must be a sport, right? Damn rights it is. Screw it -- I'm going to Windsor.

17 Comments:

At 11:29 PM, Blogger scott McRobie said...

Dentist in Mexico
Dentist in Cancun
Dental Implants Mexico
Dental Implants Cancun
Dental Implants in Mexico
Dental Implants in Cancun
Implants in Mexico
Dental cancun
Dental Mexico

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger mumbai escort service said...

Nice And Informative Website. Please Keep Continue Such Kind Of Effort. I Shared Your Post With My Friends Also. I Run My Independent Mumbai Escorts Service. I Provide You High Class Mumbai Models And Beautiful Mumbai Call Girls. We Are Available To Serve You 24 X 7. For Booking Contact With Priya Singh Ph- 09987215552
Wensite : http://www.escortagencyinmumbai.com/
mumbai escorts service
mumbai escorts
mumbai escort service
escort service in Mumbai
mumbai call girls
Andheri escorts
Bandra escorts

 
At 4:00 AM, Blogger Rosy Class said...

Thanks for letting us post here about you. You have done a fantastic job and I find it knowledgeable. I appreciate it. We are also a service provider of escorts industry. Here is our website link; if you need a partner you can contact us.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger Rosy Class said...

I am writing my review here after reading this beautiful piece of information. Keep the good work continue. I will keep revisiting your web page. However, we are also providing escort service for companion seeing guys.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon

 
At 4:11 AM, Blogger Rosy Class said...

It is very nice of you that you are enabling us to post here as guest. It helps in increasing the knowledge and let others share their views. For better connectivity I would love to inform you that we are an escort service provider, for stunning escorts kindly visit our websites.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon
Lebanon Escorts Service

 
At 4:28 AM, Blogger Janet said...

After reading your web article, I came across with a thought of sharing about on your amazing platform. Well, we are providing escorts in various parts of the country. If you need a partner, do open our website and book the one.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Beirut King said...

People can get the help from here to grow in their respective industries. It is beneficial to post here. You can our sweet hearts by visiting the website.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger Beirut King said...

This is such a good platform for all of us to share the information about our businesses here. You can get the contacts of our beautiful escorts from here to make your time glorious.
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon
Lebanon Escorts Service

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Beirut King said...

Things are set for get into the next level of our business. Platforms like these are of immense help into this. We are also looking for prospects for escorts booking. Here is our URL
Beirut Escorts
Beirut Escort
Lebanon Escorts
Lebanon Escort
Escorts in Lebanon
Independent Escorts in Lebanon

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger Jason said...

People like us need some informative pages like yours to get connected with others. It is a good platform to connect with each other. Thanks for letting us know about our business. Browse our website for detailed information.
Istanbul Escorts
Istanbul Escort
Independent Istanbul Escorts
Escorts in Istanbul
Istanbul Escorts Service
Arab Girls Istanbul
Arab Escorts Istanbul

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Jason said...

Thanks for welcoming us here. We are happy to post about us on your page. We find it suitable and appropriate to let others know about our services. We are operating in turkey and exciting to know your interest. For contact us, here is our website.
Istanbul Escorts
Istanbul Escort
Independent Escorts Istanbul
Escorts in Istanbul
Istanbul Escorts Service

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

I am happy on behalf of our team and thankful to you. I will keep visiting your page and share it with my references. It will help you and us to grow together. Visit our website for hot and new girls.
Istanbul Escorts
Istanbul Escort
Arab Escorts Istanbul
Escorts in Istanbul
Istanbul Escorts Service
Istanbul Model Escorts

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Thanks for letting us comment here, it was good to know about you. Well here is our blog page links and we are inviting all of you to visit our page for book an escort, comment on blog page and know about us.
Istanbul Escorts
Istanbul Escorts

 
At 6:58 AM, Blogger Sheru said...

Your page is very helpful for budding businesspersons. I am really thankful to you for providing an opportunity to connect with each other by your page. We are Mumbai based escorts service provider. To know more about us click on given links.
Mumbai Escorts
Mumbai Escort
Independent Mumbai Escorts
Escorts in Mumbai
Mumbai Escorts Service
Mumbai Model Escorts
Mumbai VIP Escorts

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger Sheru said...

I personally feel that your page is a great platform for all of us to connect and share about our ventures. It will help us grow as entrepreneur. You can avail the services of our escorts from clicking here
Mumbai Escorts
Mumbai Escort
Independent Escorts Mumbai
Escorts in Mumbai
Mumbai Escorts Service
Mumbai VIP Escorts
Mumbai Model Escorts

 
At 12:20 AM, Blogger Sheru said...

Everyone seek help in the process of exposure and your page is really helpful in giving a solid base to accelerate in our respective ventures. We have beautiful escorts with us in Jaipur. If you are planning to hire one, you can contact us by our website.
Jaipur Escorts
Jaipur Escort
Independent Jaipur Escorts
Escorts in Jaipur
Jaipur Escorts Service
Jaipur VIP Escorts

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger Sheru said...

I am feeling overwhelmed after visiting your webpage. It is really appreciating to know about this all. I am taking this opportunity to let you guys know about us as well. If you are looking for a female partner in and around Hyderabad, you can contact us, we will provide you one. Look at our website.
Hyderabad Escorts
Hyderabad Escort
Independent Hyderabad Escorts
Escorts in Hyderabad
Hyderabad Escorts Service

 

Post a Comment

<< Home