Monday, June 05, 2006

Deus Ex Machina


"Omnia fanda, nefanda, malo permista furore, justificam nobis mentem avertere deorum."
(The confounding of all right and wrong, in wild fury, has averted from us the gracious favor of the gods.)
--Catullus


The Hockey Gods are angry, and the Edmonton Oilers are in serious trouble. Here's how I know this:

• A furious storm blew through Edmonton before tonight's game, a portent of the Gods' rage.

• The Oilers coughed up a 3-0 lead with 30 minutes left in the game, returning to their regular season form of sitting back when playing with a lead.

• The Oilers' number one goaltender, Dwayne Roloson, is gone for the remainder of the Stanley Cup Finals.

• Hurricanes' goalie Cam Ward--from Sherwood Park-- was average in net, but made two ridiculous glove saves on Shawn Horcoff to clinch the victory.

• Former Oilers stick boy and Ray Whitney scored two goals.

• Jason Smith turned into Jaroslav Spacek, consistently turning over the puck. Then he turned into Steve Smith, causing the Oilers to lose Game One. Forget Ty Conklin. That goal was Gator's fault. It is his job to yell at the goalie, informing him of where he is.

• The CBC ran a second-period interview with Craig MacTavish, Kevin Lowe, Charlie Huddy, and Craig Simpson, talking about the Oilers "glory years."

• The CBC is also showing the clinching games from each of the Oilers five Stanley Cup victories, along with the documentary "The Boys on the Bus", over the next week.

• Pubescent mongoloids have been marching up and down Whyte Avenue for weeks, "celebrating" absolutely nothing.

Karma is a bitch, and Edmonton has turned into a ghost town. I'm 300 kilometers away, but I just heard a chorus of inebriated cheers from Calgary. A pin dropping on Whyte Ave tonight will be heard by a comatose mute in Red Deer. Ultimately, the results of tonight's show sits with the players, but if the world is a stage, and life a powerful play, then I'm pretty certain a script-writer just threw a giant fucking monkey wrench into Act V of the Oilers' season.

***Update*** I let Jason Smith off the hook here.

10 Comments:

At 10:43 PM, Blogger Avi Schaumberg said...

Nice work, Andy.

Now we just need to remind Conkaanen that while their regular seasons were terrible, that's no reason they can't enjoy playoff success, especially over a single series. After all, Ward and Markaanen were indistinguishable during the regular season.

And, as Dellow reminded us earlier today, Cam Ward has the worst regular season record of any goaltender to play in the finals in 20 years.

We -- and our goaltenders -- just need to reframe this and we'll be in a much better mental space.

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger Alex said...

You're much closer to the center of the action than I am, but are you sure that there isn't a mob of drunken, despaired Oiler fans taking out their frustration on Whyte Avenue's finer establishments?

Also, has someone called the drizzler to make sure he's still alive?

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Avi Schaumberg said...

Things are very quiet. Hardly a horn to be heard. The storm was eerie, though. Fitting.

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Andy Grabia said...

I'm less worried about our goaltending than I am about the fact that we blew a 3-0 lead against a team that wasn't playing very well. The Roloson injury angers me because that will now be the story, rather than the real story: Oilers choke in 3rd.

And I agree about Ward. His save % tonight was under .900. He made the two sick saves off of Horcoff in the 3rd--very Grant Fuhr-like, I may add--but other than that I thought he was sub-par.

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Alex said...

On a technical point, I didn't think the Oilers sat back so much as they became undisciplined and lost focus - which obviously isn't any better.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Nathan Muhly said...

I think Pronger scoring on a penalty shot was even eerier.

 
At 10:53 PM, Blogger Andy Grabia said...

It is DEAD QUIET down here. When I drove home from downtown, cops were standing around Whyte Ave, looking bored out of their minds. I can here birds chirping from my living room.

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger Andy Grabia said...

Agree on your point, Alex. They weren't trapping. It didn't look like they were doing anything. Just strolling around.

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger theDrizzler said...

I'm sorry, it's beer mojo...

I drank OK Springs 1516 instead of Guinness, because I ran out of money in the third round...

It's all my fault.

And I shaved off my beard... And I wore a different shirt. I'm a dirty bitch.

I don't even want to head over to the 'Canes blogs... Mind you... 1516 does have more alcohol than Guinness...

Give me twenty minutes.

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger theDrizzler said...

Carolina blogs terrible. Not even worth commenting.

This is all just a terrible terrible dream right?

Andy... Tell me this is all just a terrible dream.

please.

 

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